The Harry Potter Support Group
by takenothingseriously
Summary: What happens when characters with nothing more to do meet the brainchildren of an insane woman? CHAOS, That's what. By the way, reviews make me quite happy. I may even reply!


(Author's Note: So a brief note of explanation is probably necessary before we begin. This is a spinoff of my novel that I created to give my own characters time to talk/something entertaining to do when they are not serving my whims. Why are they interacting with the Harry Potter characters? Because now that the 7th book is over, Harry and the gang probably need something to do/ a place to whine about how they really, really, hated whatever they were forced to do in the 7th book. So, I decide to invite everyone over to my house for potato chips, soda, and comparing of experiences. Of course, considering that my characters are well, who they are, it never goes quite as planned. This little dribble is a mere example.)

ETA: If there is sufficient interest in what, Deo, Julia, and Fiona do in their spare time, I may put an account up at FictionPress and post what I've got there.

Me: Malfoy. You will sit down. You will keep your foul mouth closed. You will not curse anyone. Or I will do something so twisted, so deep and dark and horrible that it would send Lord Voldemort himself into screaming nightmares.

Deo: She would, too. Believe me. Do you know what it's like having an insane woman dictate your every move? She makes me wander around shirtless in leather pants for "fanservice purposes." Riiiiight.

Fiona: Actually, make him do it again. I wasn't done enjoying the view.

Me: Later. I'm busy trying to do serious writer-y things now. And if I do it when Julia's not here she refuses to cooperate, and then I have to fill time with Artemis(Deo's dad) and Anna(Julia's mom) and THAT whole kettle of angst.

Julia:(walks in carrying bag of chips. Sets them on table) Damn straight. With all I've been through, shirtless Deo is the least you could give me.

Harry: So what exactly would you do? Remember, there are many people here interested in seeing Malfoy's psyche broken in new and interesting ways.

(Hermione, Ron, and Deo all nod enthusiastically)

Julia: Sssh. Remember, we're all supposed to be supportive. No matter how much we all want to kill Draco. Except me and Fiona, because we barely even know you. So be grateful for our mercy.

Draco:(Rolls his eyes) I'm honored.

Me: Wait here, all of you.(Goes. A few minutes later returns, carrying her brother's laptop under one arm. Julia helpfully offers me a Projection Charm, and I manage to get what's on the screen onto the wall.) Now we all covered fanfiction at the last meeting, right?

Hermione: You brought it up rather briefly. It's something where people borrow us for use in their own stories as practice, or explore alternatives to the way Ms. Rowling chose to take us.

Me: Yes. There's another side to these stories as well, one that explores the ehrm, romantic, dynamics between characters.

Ron: So people write about Hermione and I snogging?

Fiona: (With a bit of glee in her voice) Yes. They also write about...(I jump to cover her mouth)

Me: I'M NOT LETTING YOU USE THE INTERNET ANYMORE!

Harry: You mean...it gets more explicit than that?

Deo:(slight sarcasm) Gee. You THINK?

Hermione: (looks vaguely uncomfortable)

Draco: Oh, isn't it sweet. The little Gryffindors are getting worked up over pornography.

Deo: (snort) Don't knock it, Malfoy. That's probably the only way you ever get laid.

(Entire room has to stifle a laugh. Harry breaks into applause. Draco looks PISSED)

Me: You all have made my point exactly! Anyway, not all of these pairings stick to what Ms. Rowling laid out, or follow her guidelines as to how hot and heavy the action gets. Julia?

Julia: (Is typing various things into Google.) For example...a lot of people write Harry/Hermione. Two best friends, right? They're not lovers, but it wouldn't be too strange if they were, and this is generally able to be written without derailing the plot. (pops a G-rated fic up on the screen)

Harry: Um, okay.

Hermione: Why do people waste their time writing about this?

Deo: Oh, this is nothing.(grin.)

Me: Sssh...don't spoil the surprise.

Fiona: However, some people get a little more...out there. (pops more things into Google. Brings up a PG-13 Harry/Tom Riddle fic.) This, for example. This requires huge deconstruction of the canon plot, and substantial reworking of the characters.

Draco: (laughing too hard to speak) Oh, this is RICH! Harry and Voldy, sitting in a tree, F-U-C-(Julia quickly summons tape to put over his mouth.) MPH MPH MPH MUDMPH!(Unhand me, Mudblood!)

Harry: is clicking around EWWWW!! Why do so MANY PEOPLE write me with him! (points to Malfoy)

Ron: (turns green mid potato chip) I WAS EATING! God, Harry, don't put that thought in my head first thing in the morning!

Me: My guess? The allure of forbidden love. (Neglects to mention that it is also her #1 crack pairing. Throws a quick glare to Fiona to ensure that stays a secret.)

Deo: You're not the only one they write about, though. comes over to laptop starts clicking some more There's oh, let's see...Hermione and Draco, Ginny and Draco, SNAPE(raises eyebrow. Rest of room shudders)and Draco, my, quite the little manwhore, aren't we?

Draco: (looks somewhat proud)

Julia: Not a good thing, dumbass. (Removes tape. Stands beside Deo at keyboard) But this, oh THIS is my favorite of all. (Has a somewhat twisted smile on her face as the rest of the room leans forward in anticipation, except Draco who looks quite worried.)

Deo: Let's see now...

(types various things into computer.. Within a few seconds a livejournal community has come up by the name of "hpincest". At the top of the page is a fic labeled: "Lucius/Draco. The reaction is...Deo is minutes away from going stereotypical evil villain, Draco looks nauseated and DEFINITELY worried, Hermione and Harry are holding each other up, laughing as they both come to realize what my threat is. Julia and Fiona are both looking at Deo thinking the same thing:

Girls: DAMN, he's hot when he's twisted and devious.

Ron is completely impassive. I am enjoying the chaos.)

Notice the rating: NC-17.

Me: That means it's porn. Now which do you prefer, your dad or your mum? Because unless you keep your mouth shut, we're staging readalouds. Now I have seen enough stuff on the Internet so that this is barely a blip on my radar. You, however, are a bit more sheltered and will probably snap.

Draco: Y...YOU WOULDN'T! THAT IS SICK AND TWISTED AND WRONG ON MANY LEVELS AND...I HAVE MONEY! YOU CAN'T! (Is white. He has found someone more twisted and insane than himself, and this is a bit of an adjustment.)

Deo: Oh, she wouldn't. But I would. I have just as much money and my family is older than yours, so your house-elf to the Dark Lord Moldyshorts father can't get me. clears throat "Draco Malfoy was just returning from school when his father summoned him to the study..."

Draco: STOP! To me: I'll do whatever you say, I won't curse anyone, I'll be your houseslave for the rest of my life, just call him off!

Me: Slave, eh?(has always wanted one.) No, bad idea. I'd have Deatheaters after me. Just as long as you get the message...Deo, stop. He has seen the light.

Deo: is having far too much fun with this "You have disgraced the family name, boy." Lucius said. "Now come here and receive your punishment..." Aw, I have to stop? He was making such interesting faces.

Me: I'll have you on stand-by if he acts up again, no worries.


End file.
